Somewhere, in this stupid brain of mine, I thought it would be an awesome idea to do hot yoga. WHY?! Why don't I have good friends that will tell me I am an idiot?! I guess this is what I get for being sassy to them all the time.... Sassy = experience hell on earth. Well now we are Even Stevens, "friends"! Let me just give you a rundown of this lovely (horrible) experience.
-Class starts at 5:30 AM. That means we leave the house at 5:00 AM. That means waking up at 4:50 AM!
Whaaaa??...Y'all are lucky there are no caps lock for numbers.
-Get to the place and it smells terrible. There are picture of Buda everywhere and incense burning in the background.
I love Jesus and fresh air! This is not lookin' good.
-Walk into the room...HELL.
First words out of my mouth: "I can't breathe." Little did I know how true those words would become.
-Oh! There is no talking in the yoga room (aka: Satan's living room).
Cool. Because I want to physically abuse my body in silence. That's exactly what I had in mind....not.
-Guy in a Speedo plants his mat right in front of me. (FYI: he's pale and hairy.)
Like, really? Is that sanitary? or legal? I'm not sure if it was the heat or the sight of him doing a bending pose that made me almost pass out. Lord, help this child!
-The class is an hour, right?....wrong. The class is 90 minutes.
90 minutes worth of hating your life and wishing Jesus would come back.
-The instructor says "clear your mind. No thoughts, just relax."
LIKE HELL I'M GOING TO RELAX! I'M DYING OVER HERE, LADY. CALL THE EMT!
-Breathing exercises.
These people are demonic. Nothing of human nature sounds like that when you breathe. Nothing.
I don't remember much else because I spent over half the class trying to concentrate on not passing out. Although I hated my life for 90 minutes, I burned approximately 700 calories. Not too shabby. Hot yoga is not my favorite but if it keeps burnin' those cals, I'll keep it around for just a while longer. (Spring Break '12 baby!)
Happy Monday!
i did, i did tell you.
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